“Not all who wander are lost … and some can’t find our way out of a shoebox without Google Maps!” – Community Member
When starting anything new- school, job, or even just moving there is always excitement. Karis is no different in this respect, but the degree of anticipation seems a bit higher. In part, this comes from it being all of these things wrapped into one. In a lot of ways, it feels like getting a whole new life.
For myself and others though, much of the anticipation comes from feeling that things are finally working. To be at Karis means that, to a degree, you are stable. Stable medicine, anticipated ability to cover rent, and you are stable enough to have made it through a process where other people have even recognized this. For many people here, this has entailed inpatient, outpatient, ongoing treatment, and as a “professional patient”… it’s like two thumbs up and a gold star all wrapped into one, progress!!! 🥳
But after the welcome wagon has unloaded and you are past the first month, Karis now finally begins. For as much as has changed, for as welcomed as you have been made to feel, life is still there. No one ever said it was going away. No one I’ve met here had any thoughts that it would be the case… but the big life changes (location, circumstances, support, etc.) and hope come from that; it takes your mind away from what has been happening in life. But all of it is still there, so the real question is now what?!?
I think this sequence really sank in for me a bit later than for most, because of the issues I face. Being very sick multiple times very quickly, dealing with increasing interaction requirements, and the deep desire to make this new living situation work (both in abstract and aspirational ways) really took a while to catch up. Taking things as they really are and being successful in the long term (not just in a new situation) requires time. More than just time, though, it requires practice, trust in yourself, trust in the new people around you, and finding places where you can make a successful investment of time and energy.
“Taking things as they really are and being successful in the long term requires time. More than just time, though, it requires practice, trust in yourself, and trust in the new people around you.”
For people like myself who have emotional baggage and really meaningful limitations, part of the investment of time in yourself is figuring out what is left of life and – with some time – what can be used to rebuild. The really tricky part is that it will never be the same, and accepting that is hard. Coming to terms with the idea that I probably won’t ever be a full-time professional again is difficult. Coming to terms with real limitations sucks! The types of situations where depression, panic, and PTSD aren’t a simple process… what a hard limit (forcing this type of situation will be harmful), a soft limit (things that are difficult beyond appropriate levels), and what is just uncomfortable is a spectrum that is hard to differentiate.
Testing these things out has really deep consequences; for me, they manifest physically. Being in a work, volunteer, social, or family situation hasn’t been everyday life and in many cases may never be again. Still, the point of my being at Karis is to push myself to find as many of these situations as possible. So when I force myself into these uncomfortable situations, I know I am trying to show that these are risks worth taking. Whether it is finding a volunteer position that works (yeah getting to see other people!!! Whoop!!) or four others that I definitely know are not things I can really do, there are rewards and more work ahead.
I think one of the best rewards is coming back to a space like Karis where I can limit the consequences of failure. It has taken a while, but starting to develop trust with others around failure is huge. For me, it has meant coming to terms with the fact that missing a requirement because you tried to do it and couldn’t is a huge emotional step. Developing the trust that people will look to see what you are doing and what you are making an effort to attempt to do isn’t an idea to be processed but something that has to be felt.
Partly this is from the past, but the physical fear that, because you cannot check a specific box at a given moment, is real in my life because it has had deep consequences. Keeping those boxes checked for Medicaid may mean taking five separate drugs that cause suicidal ideation, just so you can get the drug you were already stable on for years.
“There is a part of that trust and community that allows things to fail and be truly identified as limits, yet not give up on the idea that you are still a person and can and will do other things, be successful, find joy, and connect with others.”
Recovering from situations of failure is part of why I think Karis can help people. The nature of having a stable base to come back to makes these types of risks easier to try. Where normally this type of situation (even after getting things fixed) would damage my ability to be around others, the space to have that, and then be challenged to come back, is part of what creates a community and trust.
There is a part of that trust and community that allows things to fail and be truly identified as limits, yet not give up on the idea that you are still a person and can and will do other things, be successful, find joy, and connect with others. That also means there is a type of trust that people will still ask you to push yourself in other ways and not give up on you. It is easy to be discouraged and to see limits (that are real and meaningful) as overwhelming. It takes nuance and trust to keep pushing to find new options and opportunities that are anywhere close to some of the things that have blown up in the past, but they don’t control the future.
This has meant a lot to me, and while I can now firmly say that a bowling night is not in the cards again for a very long time, Bob Ross painting nights are a go. If things get really wild, I may even get to visit a game store. While unrelated to an outside person, these things are all connected to me and mean a lot. For someone looking at the broader picture, these types of connections look more like things like the ability to grocery shop again, which makes volunteer work at the food bank more doable. But the backup to fail and the community to keep pushing opportunities for success are two parts of the same coin.
Written by a Community Member