As a mental health therapist, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing countless journeys towards healing and self-discovery. Among the many challenges my clients face, one common thread often emerges– the struggle to love and accept themselves, especially the parts that feel unlovable.
Growing up, some of us were fortunate enough to hear the words “I love you” from our caregivers. It’s a phrase laden with meaning and emotion, shaping our understanding of love, affection, and how we view ourselves. But what happens when we encounter aspects of ourselves that we perceive as unlovable? How do we navigate the complexities of self-acceptance and extend that same unconditional love to others?
One of the most powerful expressions of love is the phrase, “I love you anyway.” It embodies the essence of unconditional love, acknowledging imperfections and shortcomings without judgment or conditions. Giving and receiving this type of love is not easy. It requires vulnerability, empathy, and a willingness to embrace both the light and dark within ourselves and others.
I experienced the importance of this type of love with one of my sons during a challenging time for me as a parent and for him as an adolescent. I questioned my parenting skills and worried about who I was in my son’s eyes. Could I be the parent that he needed me to be? Was I a good enough mother? During a difficult interaction, I remember him cursing at me and starting to get violent during an argument when he couldn’t contain his emotions. I knew he was uncertain about himself and did not like who he was at the time. In the midst of the situation, I said to him, “I don’t like what you’re doing right now, but I love you anyway.” He told me to go [….] myself (you can fill in the blank).
One of the most powerful expressions of love is the phrase, "I love you anyway." It embodies the essence of unconditional love, acknowledging imperfections and shortcomings without judgment or conditions.
I took a deep breath and repeated to him, “I don’t like what you’re doing right now, but I love you anyway.” His face was beet red with defiance and anger. He looked at me with gritted teeth and punched a hole in the wall. I stood still, my heart racing, and slowly shook my head. And I said it again. “I love you anyway.” He looked me in the eye, egging me on as he towered over me, and I quietly said, “I love you anyway.” His body looked like the air was being let out of it, and he started to cry and leaned into me for a hug.
This interaction is a core memory for both of us of what our relationship meant to each other. I wouldn’t let shame, disrespect, or anger be a reason for me to withhold the love I have for him, even in a dark moment. My words were an act of unwavering love amidst chaos and pain, and a reminder that love transcends difficult situations, actions, and when we feel unlovable.
According to famous psychologist Carl Rogers, unconditional love has three parts: acceptance, understanding, and appreciation. Think of them like the legs of a stool – if one’s missing, things get wobbly, leaving relationships feeling incomplete or damaged.
Acceptance is about bravely letting others know “We’re in this together” and being willing to embrace who you are, even with flaws and imperfections. Understanding is about empathy and seeing beyond the surface to know what’s really going on. It’s like saying, “I get where you’re coming from, even if I don’t agree.” This helps us develop connections to others who are respectful, kind, and allow ourselves to be seen. Appreciation completes the triad of unconditional love. It involves recognizing and celebrating the inherent worth and value of ourselves and others. It’s like saying, “You’re pretty awesome, just the way you are,” without anyone needing to prove themselves.
For many individuals, including my teenage son, learning to embrace the unlovable parts of themselves is an important journey of self-discovery. It requires courage to confront our insecurities, wounds, and fears with compassion and understanding. In doing so, we uncover the most authentic and resilient aspects of our being.
According to famous psychologist Carl Rogers, unconditional love has three parts: acceptance, understanding, and appreciation. Think of them like the legs of a stool – if one's missing, things get wobbly, leaving relationships feeling incomplete or damaged.
As a therapist, I encourage my clients to seek out relationships where they can experience unconditional love. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a pet, or a therapeutic alliance with a helping professional, finding someone who can love even our unlovable parts is invaluable. These relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting our worth and reminding us that we deserve love, even in our most vulnerable moments.
The journey towards unconditionally loving yourself and finding others who will love and accept you for who you are is a process. It requires us to embrace our inherent worthiness and extend compassion to our whole self– the good, the bad, the ugly, the angry, the ashamed, and the proud. It requires us to accept not only the parts of us that are loveable but also aspects of what we believe are the unloveable parts of ourselves.
You are worthy of love, even if there are times you feel unloveable. Learning to know yourself beyond the lovable parts and loving others unconditionally is one of the most powerful and valuable gifts you can give yourself and others. Anyone reading this who feels like a part of themselves is unloveable; know that there are people out there who love you anyway.
Cynthia Grant, PhD, LCSW
Vice President, Karis Community Board of Directors