My name is Susan Wagner… I have bipolar disorder… Everyone wants to know the diagnosis… so, there it is… But you know, I personally don’t believe in defining myself, or anyone else, by a diagnosis. I believe in figuring out where you are in your life and focusing on where you want to go…
I have been on a mental health recovery journey for over 35 years… About 23 years ago, I was in a very dark place, my depression was severe, and it felt as though I had a wet blanket wrapped around my brain… I couldn’t concentrate and was paralyzed by anxiety and sadness beyond my imagination.
I was in and out of the hospital for about ten years… I lost jobs… I lost my marriage… I almost lost my child. I had lost hope. My therapist suggested Karis Community. Well, that wasn’t for me. That’s right; I thought it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t admit that I was sick and needed that much help.
Instead, I had this terrifying narrative running through my thoughts: Am I crazy? Can everyone see it? Why can’t I just snap out of it? Will it last for the rest of my life? There’s no light at the end of the tunnel; it’s hopeless! What have I done to cause this? Are they going to lock me up? Can I ever have a normal life? Will I ever be able to take care of myself? I’m desperate and want to dieDespite all this, the people at my applicant dinner at Karis showed me in a couple of hours what Karis is about and how I could become part of something special. I still had those thoughts rattling around in my head, but I had a glimmer of hope and accepted the Community’s offer. The thoughts would diminish later.
The Community walked alongside me, supported me, and guided me through my struggles… I could see my strengths and value, became grateful for what I had, and began building a meaningful life. My 10-year-old son, Daniel, was at Karis all the time, playing volleyball in the backyard, joining us for dinner, and walking the house dog, Indy. Daniel got to know other families, like ours, who were struggling with mental health.
I was in an environment where I could feel an immense connection and began to heal. I began to work again; I built a support system… It was coming together…I accepted my illness as a part of me and not my whole identity. I was a parent, an advocate, a mentor, a friend, and a spiritual person. When I left Karis, I had what I needed to rebuild my life. I started to dream again!
I have been on a mental health recovery journey for over 35 years… About 23 years ago, I was in a very dark place, my depression was severe, and it felt as though I had a wet blanket wrapped around my brain… I couldn’t concentrate and was paralyzed by anxiety and sadness beyond my imagination.
Today, I am the Manager of Peer Specialists Services at a community mental health center. I have seen recovery as a consumer and a provider. I carry with me the recovery concepts I learned at Karis all those years ago. I am passionate about helping others on their journeys of recovery.
Years after being a Community Member, I served on the Karis Board… It was a new way of looking at Karis. Just like when I was a Community Member, my recovery expanded as a member of the Board. I so value the relationships I developed while on the Board.
So, now that you know some of my story, I’d like to examine why Karis worked for me. I’d like to concentrate on the word “community.” When we use the word community at Karis, we are talking about a deep connection with others that we can trust to support us, be honest with us, and keep us accountable. We collaborate, cry, laugh, take care of each other, connect, and dream about the future. This is where the healing begins.
We then need to look at the larger community. This is where you come in. We need to support Karis Community in every way we can. Of course, we need contributions. In addition, we also need participation at Beautification Day, the Appreciation BBQ, dinners with Community Members, and of course, volunteering on the Board. If not for this entire Community, I could very well have lost my battle with mental illness and not have had the opportunity to experience all the wonderful things in my life.
On a personal note, I have a fulfilling life. Daniel is 33 years old. Daniel and his girlfriend, Ali, just had a baby, my granddaughter, Lilly. She is the joy of my life. None of this would have been possible without Karis. My family and I have supported Karis over the years and are grateful that it was there when I needed it.
By Susan Wagner, Alumni