I think recovery from anything is honestly the most badass thing a person can do. -Anonymous
I’ve struggled with mental illness since I was a child and addiction since I was a teenager. My childhood led me to my first suicide attempt at 13. These struggles progressed as I grew up. So, in essence, it was all I had ever known. It was who I was. It was the bane of my existence. Without much support or positive role models, I found myself alone and unworthy of having a “normal” life. So, I often put myself in troubling, sometimes dangerous situations. Somehow, by the grace of God, I always came out of them relatively (and for a while) unscathed. But that was on the outside. On the inside, I was consumed with guilt, shame, embarrassment, confusion, and regret.
The first time I got sober and went to AA was when I was 19. Lack of acceptance eventually landed me drunk again—a few years in, a few years out. In my early 30’s, I decided to move to Salida, CO. My sponsor and I felt it wasn’t a “geographical” (a move to escape from yourself, but of course, wherever you go, there you are). I was getting healthy with several years of sobriety and proper medication. I immersed myself in the 12 steps and service work. In Salida, I ended up going to nursing school. More importantly, I added, to my foundation, a solid group of sober women and eventually felt I wasn’t alone., Could I be worthy? One person, in particular, loved me unconditionally. I’m not sure I had ever felt this or even had an understanding of this before. I learned how to rock climb, mountain bike, and snowboard. It was the happiest time of my life thus far, although I didn’t know it at the time. For a few reasons, after graduating, I made the hard decision to move back to Denver. This move started me on the hardest and longest descent into insanity as I knew it.
I was away from Denver for five years. So, when I came back, everything was different. All my closest friends were married and having children. My old AA meetings and groups had moved or changed. I gradually stopped all the outdoor activities I had grown to need. It was all too far away; besides, I had no one to go with. I didn’t take steps to integrate and thus became isolated and found myself alone again. I started with a new therapist until I felt unsafe. My medications needed adjustments again. I was lucky enough to get a free DNA test. It tests one’s genes allowing them to know how a person responds to and metabolizes certain medications. The answer would show the best psychiatric drug for me. This was it! Finally, I found the solution to, well, one of my problems. Alas, it didn’t work. I was so despondent. Of course, maybe it couldn’t work because I didn’t do the work. Although I had 12 years of sobriety, by this time, I was a “dry drunk ” (sober but without working a program.)
Ironically, at this time, I lived in the cutest house with the best dog and the best cat. I had my dream Jeep and the easiest, highest-paying job ever. But I was miserable and began self-sabotaging. I was good at this because, at the heart of it, I felt unworthy. Soon after, my dog Murphy, a true love of my life, died unexpectantly just before his 10th birthday. I immediately went to the liquor store. I was tired of everything and ready to die, but I couldn’t. I still had my 19-year-old cat, Boo, my longest-ever male companion. I was suffering. After he died, I said, “Ok, I can go now.” Starting with God, I gave up, quit my entire life, got in my Jeep, and ran. Now, this was a “geographical.” I traveled around the country trying to decide where to end my life, where I wouldn’t be found, and where my mother would never know. Yes, this was my thinking. I thought I had it planned so well, but I failed…twice. What was wrong with me? I was so angry with myself. When I ran out of money and was still alive, I crawled back to my mother’s house in Denver.
Awesome, I’m 46 and moving back in with my mother and brother. Both of whom I’ve always had a rocky relationship with. My chest hurts even now when I think about how sick I was. Soon after, my mother had me escorted to the psychiatric unit of a hospital. My anger was boiling. How did I get here? Not only was I still alive, but I had nothing. Again, I was alone. During my stay, I was given a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a new medication regime. When I left the hospital, I immediately went to an intensive outpatient program. I was sober, and the fog began to clear. Thankfully, someone in my group told me about Karis.
I said, “Great! I so need to get away from my mother.” But first, one morning, my brother and I were getting my mom ready to take her to the hospital. She was acting weird after her first chemo appointment for breast cancer. She dropped, and as a nurse, I couldn’t save her. I should have taken her in during the night when I thought we might need to go. I thought we would see how things were in the morning. She never came back. As some of you might know, this feeling is surreal. She was only 63. Despite being the most unwell out of us three kids, it was always known I would be the executor of her estate. Oh, what a learning experience that was. It ended up taking about a year to complete. As it got closer to selling her house, I realized I was about to be homeless.
Then I remembered Karis. I am so grateful to have been accepted. I mean, didn’t they know how crazy I was? How was I going to be around people again? I felt I was bringing my bad energy in, but I quickly found that the Community’s good energy overwhelmed me. It was kind of uncomfortable because I knew I had found my people. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone. There was a sense of understanding, comradery, and lack of judgment. Soon I was participating in the Recovery Support Group and the Women’s Group. I went back to A.A. and got a sponsor. I even learned to cook…kind of. It was obvious that the staff wanted to show me hope and that healing was possible. They saw me. Maybe things could be different. I hadn’t received this kind of encouragement and support in a long time. In turn, I realized I might have something to give back. Maybe we could hope and heal together. I know it’s been said, but Karis really did save my life. I am so blessed to have found them. Eventually, I felt safe enough to take a trip. But first, my rock passing. I was overwhelmed by the number of people saying nice things about me. Did I forget to tell them that I’ve always been unworthy?
My trip was to Spain. I was to walk the Camino de Santiago. It’s a 500-mile spiritual pilgrimage across Spain with hopes to end with a mind, body, and spiritual redemption. My mom and I always wanted to walk it. So, I went alone, but with some of her ashes. To this day, it is the most amazing thing I’ve done. But it never would have been possible without the tools I learned at Karis. When I completed my trek, I was lucky to be accepted to the Stepping Stone Cottage. This is where my real healing began.
Having met most of the Cottage members at Karis, I immediately felt welcome. We were tight-knit, and I actually made some friends. I worked hard with my therapist to accept that there might be a reason I’m still on this planet. Maybe I didn’t want to die, but I just wanted to stop feeling so bad. Perhaps I’m worthy of being here. I have also accepted that I have a mental illness and alcoholism. It’s not who I am, but a part of me. It shaped me into the person I am today, and that’s kind of cool. During my stay at the Cottage, I eventually was able to work as a nurse again, and I now know I’m good at it. After my time at the Cottage had come to an end, I was offered the Property Manager/Peer Support Specialist position at the Cottage. What an honor! Now I have the time to be of service and give back what was given to me. I hope to be good at that, too. Let the hope and healing continue!
In gratitude,
Angela Lancaster
Stepping Stone Cottage Property Manager and Peer Support Specialist
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Angela. Your trip to Spain is now on my bucket list. 🙂
Angela,
You are an AMAZING woman and I am so HONORED to be sharing this planet with you!!! The world needs more people like YOU!
Wow, Angela, thank you for sharing your story! It’s a pleasure to know you.