“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” — Max Ehrmann
Karis’ community helped cure me of my psychosis. I moved across the country for love in the fall of 2019. My new partner, who was my old friend, asked me to leave my hometown of D.C. and join him in the beautiful golden mountains. It was the catalyst that led me to quit alcohol all at once and strive to be sober. I knew it was impossible to continue my destructive lifestyle of drinking daily and abusing a variety of substances. We are truly well-matched and completely in love. I’m so grateful to be together.
Even so, I had an emotional breakdown soon after arriving and isolated myself before the start of the Covid pandemic. I was paralyzed by fear – fear of making a mistake, drinking, cheating, lying, disappearing, or some other imagined catastrophe. Trauma triggers influenced every instant of my day-to-day life. I felt unable to work toward my passion as a photographer. After months of emotional instability and my dear partner’s encouragement, I decided to reach out for help. I wrapped myself in mental health services. I miraculously got a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist, a peer specialist, and an employment specialist. I accepted my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar II, took my prescribed medicine, and learned good coping skills with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. DBT is the best psychological and behavioral therapy I have ever studied and practiced. To find the middle path – the wise mind – through acceptance of extremely opposite ideas, the ampersand of thought, allowed me to embrace the grey between black and white thinking.
Outward measurable progress was intermittent and short-lived. My emotional outbursts and catastrophic interpretation of reality persisted. After several suicide attempts and the most explosive altercation with my partner, I took myself to a local crisis center. They put me on suicide watch and then moved me to an inpatient facility. The volatile institutional environment was triggering and traumatizing. After being released from the hospital, I was accepted into a sober living house. It was rewarding to be independent and supported by other people in recovery. Although, the chaos of relapsing roommates made me feel unsafe, as I thought I had a firmer grasp on sobriety. What I knew I truly needed was to focus on my mental health. Through a simple Google search, “mental health community,” I graciously found Karis. My peer specialist at the time, with amazing happenstance, was an alum and gave this unique place a rave review. It felt meant to be. I was fortunate to secure a spot in the house – a gorgeous turn of the century former convent with stained glass windows and a lovely backyard garden. This would be a different living experience for me, a place to get holistically well and learn to connect to other people with a myriad of stories.
At Karis, I was home for the first time in my life. I had my own space and the freedom to come and go as I wished. Everyone in the community was committed to wellness and helping each other. I was safe to express myself honestly and openly. It was comforting to be surrounded by people going through similar situations. We were all focused on becoming well and taking control of our lives. The staff made themselves available to support us all along the way. Having the structure of weekly groups and monthly goal-setting sessions was valuable to my recovery. We had a loving visitor of a dog named Hank (whom I miss every day). I loved the tradition of making dinner for everyone and, of course, having dinner made for me!
With the new stability of a sanctuary, I dove into trauma work with Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Guided by a therapist, I process painful memories and gradually redefine them and lessen the intense suffering that they conjure. It has been an essential tool for healing childhood wounds. I have since graduated from Karis’ program and moved in with my partner again. We are thriving in couples therapy. There are no more violent verbal fights or thoughts of ending my life. I am a more grounded person with safety within myself. Photography has returned to my life, and I am enrolling in classes soon. I can go anywhere without fear and hold a job I care about. I have a foundation of self-worth that did not exist before. I feel capable and prepared to achieve my aspirations. I’m endlessly grateful for my time at Karis. I hope to stay involved in future alumni events and continue to contribute to the community that I love.
Lela D, Former Community Member