“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
– Maya Angelou
The last year has been tough for us. It has been particularly challenging for those of us who struggle with mental health. I remember when everything started to shut down in March, and the event of COVID began. More than my fear of the virus, I was afraid of the effect the situation would have on my mental health. I would be isolated in my home with only my computer and phone to connect to work, family, and friends. At first, I panicked as, one by one, my main ways of coping, socializing, exercising at the gym, watching Major League Baseball, attending synagogue were beginning to disappear. I have struggled with mental health most of my adult life. I also work with people who struggle with mental health. How could I tell them it will be ok when I was in crisis myself? I realized I needed to develop new skills and a new kind of community. I recalled my days at Karis and having the support of a community, for which I was so grateful. That experience has traveled with me for the last 20 years. I understood that I had to find a way to create a community while staying at home alone.
As time went on, I saw that no one in the world has been untouched by this past year’s difficult events. Our physical, emotional, and mental well-being have been consistently placed in limbo while we tried to navigate the new reality around us. We lost loved ones. We witnessed hatred and racism. We have been fearful for our survival and our ability to care for ourselves and our families. We have lost our homes, our jobs, and sometimes even our hope. When will it end
Somehow, we continue to move through these uncertain times, and as time goes on, I become more confident that we can survive, and the butterfly can emerge. We can start anew. Every day can be a new beginning. I discovered as I looked back on my life that I have many things to be grateful for. Concentrating on these nuggets of gratitude became the building blocks for my new virtual community at home.
“Somehow, we continue to move through these uncertain times, and as time goes on, I become more confident that we can survive, and the butterfly can emerge.”
I focused on my resilience, how the people in my life came together, and the simple acts of kindness that allowed me to get through the more difficult days and come out stronger on the other side. My work transformed into a remote environment with great flexibility and support. My cats became my co-workers, sitting on top of my chair or desk, staring at the Zoom meeting on the screen. I found Pilates classes online with my former teacher. My synagogue’s clergy created a virtual spiritual community that brought me comfort and strength to lift me up on my darkest days. I talked with my Mom every day. In addition, I connected with a friend or family member every day. My son provided a calming presence and was always there when I needed him. This community satisfied my need for human connection and hope.
I saw the courage of the doctors, nurses, hospital workers, first responders, grocery workers, delivery people, and so many more. I witnessed people’s strength and grief going out of business and of people unable to be with their loved ones in their last days. I watched people come together and protest racial injustice. People were courageous, determined, and strong. If they could be resilient, so could I. I have my family and my friends. I have a job. I have a home. I have food. I have my life. I am grateful.
Yes, what a week, a month, a year it has been. We are carrying a lot on our shoulders right now. There is much to grieve and much to be hopeful for at the same time. The stakes are high as we tackle a global pandemic, racial injustice, a volatile political crisis, and our rising mental health needs. Somehow, we continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Every time I do this, I become more certain that we can move through the most unfathomable and difficult life experiences.
We can transform each day into a new beginning. Let us focus on our resilience, the ways we have come together, and the simple acts of kindness that allow us to get through the more difficult days. Understanding how we have coped and changed can make us stronger and lighter, kind of like a butterfly.
Susan Wagner
Former Community Member
Former Board Member
Susan, thank you for your beautiful and inspirational letter. I miss you!