It’s painful to see a family member, friend, colleague, and even a stranger suffering. We observe behaviors and, in a hopeless manner, try to develop a plan or some sort of response to “help” others. We have the best of intentions and just want to provide insight and guidance, but are we truly helping?
In my training as a therapist, one of the learnings that resonated with me the most was that often our attempts to help actually trigger the exact behaviors that we’re trying to solve. When someone has a drinking problem, and we try to solve this by being critical, shaming, blaming, providing ultimatums, etc., we actually cause the person to drink! Word to the wise, they’re drinking because they’re stressed, and now we’re creating additional stress. What do you think the result is???
Think about this same paradigm when it comes to mental health. You have someone suffering from serious depression who already thinks the world is crashing around them, has tremendous amounts of self–doubt, and doesn’t know how to get out of their own prison. Now, you’re telling them they need to snap out of it, pick themselves up by the bootstraps, and get after it. You don’t think they’ve tried this before??? Perhaps a ‘kick in the pants’ can help at times. Often, this just triggers even greater symptoms of depression as the person experiences even more shame and self–doubt when they take a step and fall down even harder.
This same story can translate across several conditions of serious and persistent mental illnesses. So if this approach doesn’t work, what will?
Drew Bonder
Board of Directors, President
Please reach out!
If you have a family member, friend, or colleague battling serious and persistent mental health, please reach out to us at Karis Community or connect with a mental health professional.
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I have a sister who’s been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. My youngest brother and I have “stuck by her” for 8 years now, but she refuses to acknowledge any need for therapy even when posed to her as I have: “we all need therapy”; “I’ve done years of therapy to manage the stresses and curve-balls of “life”; “no one person has all the answers”; “there are other ways to view and deal with your situation” – you get the picture. We never pass judgment because we know there’s no judgment to be made. What resources do you know of to help we family members better understand and deal with this illness? Our mother was manic depressive – not a great way for us to grow up, but she more-or-less stayed compliant with medications and lived to be 93. Our sister leans on us for her moral support, yet she refuses to move forward on any care (her paranoia – which is, as we know, her reality – totally disrupts and drives her life).
Anyway – Karis looks like a fantastic facility and program – I know she’d rather go homeless than be somewhere safe and supportive. So what can we as family members do?
Please contact Dalia at 303-355-5546 and she will be happy to provide you with support and information.
Thank you!